What to Wear Under There

IMAGINE...

The opening notes of a bridal march is heard, and the heavy doors swing open. The congregation stands and turns their eager, expectant faces toward the rear of the church, and there she is, the lovely, radiant bride!

She begins to walk, and as she does, the fabric of her heavy skirt tucks itself between her legs, turning her dream dress into the bridal version of MC Hammer's parachute pants.

Tripping her way to the end of the aisle, she bends to hug her grandparents, and as she does, her boobs (technical term: 'breasticles') fall out her dress, much to the delight of the junior groomsman standing by the altar....

This could be YOU.

*gasp*

IF, you don't read and swear by the following:

HOW TO CHOOSE YOUR UNDERGARMENTS:

STEP ONE: GETTING THE 'OVERSKIRT'

A) Choose a dress.

B) Change your mind a million times.

C) Purchase a dress.

D) Gush about your new dress on WB

STEP TWO: IDENTIFY YOUR TYPE OF DRESS

A) Does it have straps, sleeves, or is it strapless?

= unless you have "mosquito bites" you will need a bra. Period.

B) Is it a big gown (ball gown) or a medium gown (a-line, mermaid, trumpet) or a small gown (sheath), or an itty-bitty gown (micro-mini, sundress)?

=Ballgowns (bell or a-line shaped) need hoop skirts and petticoats

= A-lines need a petticoat (and sometimes a smaller, A-line hoop skirt)

= mermaids and trumpets need slips sometimes

= small gowns need full-coverage underwear, and sometimes for vintage looks, petticoats as well

STEP THREE: IDENTIFY WHAT YOU'RE WORKING WITH

A) What kind of fabric is used? Is it fully-lined?

= if it isn't fully lined, you will need a slip so that your 'curious george' undies don't show through. If the silhouette is a ball-gown or A-line, you will need petticoats as well, to fluff out the dress.

B) Is it sheer?

= you will need a slip, and a bra/pasties

C) Is it itchy?

= you will need a slip or a hoop skirt to keep it off of your legs

Some visual clarification of what I'm blabbering about:

THE BUSTIER

Often decorative, the bustier can also be found in wedding-lingerie sections for the Big Night, and for its waist-cinching and boob-holding-upper abilities on the big day. Should use sturdy boning and/or elastic for best results. NOT for waist "training" (ie, hardcore corseting)

BEST FOR:

hot sex

strapless dresses

clubbing

big boobs

THE LONG-LINE BRA

Uses elastic to hold your tummy in (you can also try waist-cinchers), and your boobies up.

BEST FOR:

dresses with straps or sleeves

big boobs

THE STRAPLESS BRA:

BEST FOR:

strapless dresses

girls who don't need waist-line control
THE NU BRA

A silicone-based, "realistic" adhesive bra.

BEST FOR:
backless or low back dresses

smaller (not DD+) boobies

people not allergic to adhesive

THE HOOP SKIRT

Think Scarlett O'Hara. Worn to hold a skirt in a particular shape (bell, a-line, bustle-bum, etc). Hoop skirts are made of fabric (cotton, polyester) and hold enclosed rings within their stitches. No longer made of whalebone, the hoops themselves are usually lightweight steel, nylon, or plastic. Because they use lighter materials, hoop skirts are MUCH lighter now than say, a hundred and fifty years ago.

BEST FOR:

ball gowns and large A-lines

keeping itchy fabric or petticoats off of your legs

WATCH OUT FOR:

sitting down - practice this!

don't wear a g-string - the swinging hoop during dancing can give onlookers a glimpse of your lady bits!

THE CRINOLINE

(old style, made with fabric and wire)

Think mini crini by Vivienne Westwood. Another historical undergarment, crinolines are nowadays constructed of layers of net or tulle - much like a petticoat, and can contain light, flexible hoops, like a hoop skirt. Many manufactures will call anything that goes under a skirt, a "crinoline," so beware of this catchall phrase.

BEST FOR:

adding volume to a ballgown or A-line gown.

WATCH OUT FOR:

velcro closures on the waist - they can snag on your dress

cruddy manufactures that will call anything a 'crinoline' because they don't know any better

overheating with the material directly on your legs

THE PETTICOAT

The petticoat has many guises; it can be fuller than full or barely more substantial than a slip. It adds volume to a dress and can help give it shape. Most often made of tulle, net, nylon, cotton, and can be dyed in your washer to match your wedding colours. In the UK, petticoat = slip.

BEST FOR:

adding volume to a dress without built-in netting

adding more volume on top of a hoop skirt

preventing your gown from becoming see-through

WATCH OUT FOR:

overheating, itchyness (see hoop skirt, slip)

THE SLIP

Worn with simpler styles of wedding gowns, to prevent the dress from tucking tail between your knees, and to protect your legs from possible irritation from your wedding dress. Made in silk, cotton, polyester, etc.

BEST FOR:

sheer dresses

sensitive skin

sheaths, mermaids, trumpets, mini dresses (in an appropriate length)

WATCH OUT FOR:

busted elastic -you don't want your slip to show

a too big-slip - you don't want it to bunch under your dress

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Now, gird up thy loins and sally forth, appropriately-clad bride-to-bees!